HANTEI XXIII PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK
Alhundro Cornejo Most Likely to Never Get an Experienced Card	Goju Adorai Future Professional Shadow Puppeteers	Balash Naga Exchange Student

"All hail Hida Yakamo," I cried, "Crab Clan Hero, returned to life by the power of the Bright Eye and the Pale!"

The naga all rose their bows in the air and cheered riotously. I hoped none of them would notice that they hadn't actually resurrected Hida Yakamo as they'd hoped, but had instead used their most precious and unique magical artifact to restore life to a rather scrawny Crane poet. Sure, they'd figure it out eventually, but I hoped to be a long way away from them by then.

"That's doesn't look like-" Toku began, but was cut off swiftly as Matsu Turi threw his hand over the little bushi's mouth.

Kakita Shijin looked around the forest uncertainly. The little poet leaned heavily on his tetsubo, almost unable to stand under the weight of Hida Yakamo's armor. The great war helmet slid down over the his eyes, and the Crane fumbled weakly to try to right it again, the tips of his fingers barely sticking out of the ends of Yakamo's gauntlets.

"He seems a little small for a Crab Champion," Balash said, looking at the alleged Yakamo dubiously.

"You're right, Balash," added Shagara, "He looks more like a Crane to me."

"He's just tired," I said. "He's been dead for a little while so he's lost a lot of weight. He'll be feeling better in no time, though, trust me." I patted Shijin gently on the back, and he fell over on his face with a crash.

"Help me," Shijin whined.

"Are you sure you guys didn't bring back Hida Sukune by accident?" Sanzo asked, looking down at the prone little man. Turi shot the ronin a dangerous look. I think the Lion realized the amount of trouble we were in and the amount of bull we'd have to rapidly shovel to get out of it alive. It wasn't really our fault that the Shashakar had resurrected the wrong person, but with our luck there was no doubt we'd be the ones to get blamed.

"What has the Shashakar to say on this matter?" Shahadet asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

"The Shashakar is dead," I said. "He died using the Pearl of the Pale Eye to restore Shij- er, Yakamo to life."

"No naga ever dies," Balash scoffed. "The Shashakar would have passed his power, memories, and spirit off to another before passing from the earthly plane. That is the way of the Akasha. Now, what other nagas were in the area the Shashakar when the Shashakar passed on?"

"No nagas," I said. "But he mistook me for the Ashamana." That's when I remembered the little pouch that the naga shugenja had given me before he had died, mistaking me for an Ashamana youth. I drew out the pouch and looked inside. It was full of sparkling, magical pearls. The nagas all dropped into a deep bow around me. My jaw dropped open.

"All hail the new Shashakar!" Damesh exclaimed proudly. "We must take you to meet our leader at once!"

Before I could argue or slip away, Damesh and Shahadet quickly flanked me on either side and led me away through the naga camp. Another big naga picked up Shijin-Yakamo and carried him along with us. Sanzo, Turi, Toku, and Seou followed along close behind. Matsu Turi quickly slipped alongside me, a curious expression on his face.

"So what's our next move?" he whispered. "Why's Kakita Shijin dressed as Yakamo?"

"You know Shijin?" I asked.

"We've met," Turi sneered. "He was in my English class back in high school. Man, that guy was biggest suck-up. His poems stunk to high heaven but he got the best grades anyway."

"I thought he was a great poet," I said.

"Well, that's the theory," Turi replied. "In reality, he's Kakita Yoshi's cousin. Kakita Yoshi wanted to have his own pet poet, so he started promoting the heck out of him. I swear, somebody would have to die or something for that idiot to write a decent poem. Still, even though his stuff is mostly crap, people buy it because Yoshi tells them to."

"Wow!" Sanzo said, suddenly leaping into the conversation. "Sounds just like the Backstreet Boys."

"Sanzo, if you're not going to make any sense just shut the hell up," Turi said, flustered. "Garou and I are trying to talk here."

"Well, excuse me for living," Sanzo rolled his eyes and walked ahead with his hands in his pockets. "Try to make a humorous pop-culture reference and all the non-anachronistic characters jump all over you for it. Sheesh."

"He scares me sometimes," I said simply. Turi just nodded.

Soon we arrived at a tent larger than all the others. A great hand-painted banner flapped before the door, reading "Qamar."

"Quay-mar?" Toku said, reading the sign.

"That is the name of our great immortal leader," Shahadet replied. "And in your language, it is pronounced 'Ka-Mar.'"

"Ka-Mar," Toku with a giggle, "Is he the Discount Champion?"

The nagas all glared at Toku and he stopped giggling.

"Sorry," Toku said meekly.

I pushed aside the tent flap and went inside. The nagas dragged Shijin-Yakamo in as well. Turi, Toku, Sanzo, and Seou followed. The other naga all slowly filed back out again, leaving us alone in the presence of the Qamar.

The Qamar wasn't a particularly tall naga, but he was very dignified. His face was sharp and angular, his scales a midnight blue, and his arms and chest rippled with muscles. A great bow and quiver of arrows hung from the side of the large stone he coiled himself around. He sat back, resting his chin on one hand, a distinctly bored expression on his face. It was then that I remembered the reason that we came to the naga camp in the first place. To find Kakita Toshimoko, who supposedly knew a way that we could return Toturi the Black Chicken to his original form.

"Greetings, great Qamar," I said. "I am Fuzake Garou, the new Shashakar. I have come to you to ask the whereabouts of Kakita Toshimoko, the Grey Crane."

The Qamar frowned. "If you're the new Shashakar," he said. "Then you need only ask the Akasha where Toshimoko can be found. Did you try that yet?"

"Er... no," I said.

The Qamar sighed. "It's not as if I'm not busy or something," he said, gesturing wildly about the clearly empty room. "Everyone wants me to solve their problems for them just because I'm the almighty Qamar. Like I asked to be the Qamar. Just because the old Qamar goes and gets his fool self killed on the Day of Thunder and I happen to be the first one to trip over the silly dead snake's spear. Now cause of that I'm the Qamar. Yippee for me. So, anyway, what's the deal with that Crane?" he pointed directly at Shijin. "And why in Jigoku's name is he dressed like Hida Yakamo?"

"That's not a Crane," Turi said quickly. "It's Hida Yakamo! See the tetsubo?"

"Yes, and I see he can barely lift it," the Qamar said. "So what went wrong, Shashakar?" The Qamar looked directly at me.

"Er," I said, uncomfortable of a sudden. "I think the naga brought back the wrong body. He was wearing Yakamo's armor, but he wasn't Yakamo."

The Qamar mumbled something in naga. I didn't know what it was, but it sounded like a pretty good swear word so I tried my best to remember it. "I knew those oni were up to something! They gave us far too good a deal!"

"Deal?" Toku said. "You made a deal with a denizen of the Shadowlands?"

The Qamar scowled in distaste. "You make it sound so bad, saying it like that," he said. "It wasn't one of those 'sell your soul and name for a quarter' sort of deals. We needed Yakamo's corpse so we could try to make up to the Crab for getting his sorry hinder killed. Unfortunately, said corpse was out in the middle of the Shadowlands somewhere. Seemed like a lot of trouble to go all the way out there and fetch it so we just gave Oni no Pekkle a bunch of koku and asked her to go fetch Yakamo's corpse."

"Pekkle?" I exclaimed. "Pekkle couldn't carry Yakamo's corpse if she found it."

"Hey, we didn't know that at the time!" the Qamar retorted. "In hindsight... In hindsight I guess it was sort of a bad idea. It was all we had. It's hard to come up with good ideas when you've got a group consciousness! Everybody pretty much just comes up with the same thing. It's really frustrating sometimes. Again, you should know this; you're part of the Akasha now."

"Yeah, about that," I said. "Everybody keeps telling me that I'm the new Shashakar, but I don't feel any different. I can't sense your Akasha, I don't have the old Shashakar's memories, I just feel the same."

"The same?" the Qamar said. His brow furrowed slightly. "Are you sure? You don't feel any different at all? Nothing's changed?"

"Hmm..." I said. "I guess I've got a little bit of a stomach ache."

"That's the Akasha!" the Qamar exclaimed boldly, "It must be. You feel it as it.... er... roils in your stomach with the memories of a thousand naga... like... um... like unto indigestion your soul floats in the sea of the Akasha... er... uh... like a piece of corn."

"Baloney!" Sanzo shouted suddenly. "This whole Akasha thing sounds like a load of hooey!"

Qamar's lower lip quivered. It looked like he was about to start crying.

I quickly stepped in front of Sanzo. "Don't listen to him, Qamar, he's just kidding," I said. "Hey, you know what, I... I can feel the Akasha right now!" I let my mind face go blank and I stared at the ceiling. "Yup! There it is! I can feel the thoughts and feelings of the collective naga race!"

"Really?" the Qamar said hopefully.

"Oh, yeah," I nodded. "Yes, indeed. In fact, I can feel your thoughts right now. Guess what number I'm thinking of, Qamar?"

"Four," the Qamar said confidently.

"Right!" I lied. "That's amazing! Okay, now try this one. I'm thinking of where I can find Kakita Toshimoko. Guess the place that I'm thinking about."

"Shiba Castle!" the naga said with pride.

"Right!" I answered. "Okay, well, we have to go now. It's been nice talking to you but we've got to get Shijin-Yakamo home before his clan starts to miss him."

"Hey wait!" the Qamar said. "Now you guess what number I'm thinking of!"

I looked at my friends nervously. "We really have to go. Now." Seou got the hint and quickly ducked through the tent flap. Sanzo and Turi each grabbed one of Shijin's arms and hoisted him toward the door. Unfortunately, not everyone was so observant.

"Oh, come on, Garou!" Toku said. "Guess what number he's thinking of! It'll be fun! You guessed his, didn't you?"

I shot my best withering look at Toku, who just stared back happily. "Fine," I said. "Twenty-four."

The Qamar frowned. "Three hundred and sixty eight," he said. "You were just pretending to be in the Akasha, weren't you?"

"No, no," I said. "Three hundred and sixty eight would have been my next guess."

"Really?"

"Yes." I grabbed Toku by the collar and quickly headed for the door of the tent again. The Qamar quietly watched us leave, confident in the power of his Akasha once more.

We darted through the naga camp as rapidly as we could, answering as few questions as we could get away with. If there really was an Akasha and I was part of it, I wanted to get away fast before the naga started picking through my memories and found out what we did to poor Kazaq at the beginning of our adventures so long ago. If there wasn't, then I just had to get out of there before I went just as crazy as everyone else. Kakita Shijin huffed and puffed to keep up as we marched through the forest, the heavy armor of Hida Yakamo quickly robbing him of his stamina. "Take that stupid armor off," Yotsu Seou snapped. "It's just slowing you down."

"Good idea," Shijin said in relief. The little poet began casting off chunks of the armor and tossing them to the ground.

"Hey, we can't leave that armor behind!" I said. "It's the Ancestral Armor of the Crab! It's a sacred relic! We can't just leave it lying in the forest!"

"I don't have any armor! I'll wear it!" Sanzo offered.

"I think I'd rather we left it in the forest," I said.

"You could wear the armor, Garou," Turi suggested.

"I can't wear it," I replied.

"Why not?" Turi asked.

"Well... cause I'm a wizard," I answered. "I won't be able to cast my spells or fight if I wear armor."

"No, Garou," Sanzo said. "I think you're thinking of that other game."

"Just wear it for a little while, Garou," Toku said. "Just till we can get some horses or something to carry it."

"Why don't you wear it, Toku?" I asked.

Toku gasped. "And abandon the Ancestral Armor of the Monkey Clan? Never!"

"Your armor's not Ancestral yet, Toku," Seou sighed. "There aren't any Monkey ancestors. You're the only Monkey that's ever worn it."

"Tradition has to start somewhere," Toku said proudly. He folded his arms across the chest-plate of his ratty, oversized armor. "I'll just wear it until it *is* Ancestral and then you'll all see."

I realized I wasn't getting any further with that argument. I was the only one that was going to wear the armor and that was that. I strapped the oversized, clunky suit of metal armor onto my body and continued to trudge through the forest. It was still quite a long journey to Shiba Castle and we were without horses. Pretty soon I was drenched with sweat inside the armor and had a throbbing headache. I was angry and bitter and temperamental at having to wear the clunky pile of steel and wicker. Oddly enough, I think I grew to a better understanding of Hida Yakamo and Hida Kisada during that little march. Sure, they had checkered pasts but you'd be a jerk too if you had to wear a hot, oversized suit of clanking metal armor all day. I can sum up their infamous surly temperaments in two words that I hope never to hear or have to deal with ever again.

Pig-iron codpiece.

The next day we were sitting around our campfire, listening to the sounds of the woods and wondering what sort of hellish catastrophe we'd run into next. The night was pretty quiet, and soon the shadows had closed in around us on all sides. I think we were all a little nervous at the quiet and the dark, what with our recent ninja difficulties and all. It was past bedtime and thus beyond the reach of Goju Adorai and his ninja, but that didn't mean we weren't still nervous. I turned to Kakita Shijin, hoping to break the tension.

"So you're a poet, huh?" I asked.

I heard Matsu Turi groan ruefully under his breath.

"Yes, that's right," Shijin said with a smile. "I'm the finest poet in the history of the Kakita Poetry Academy."

"Well, why don't you compose a poem for us, then?" Seou suggested, leaning back on a tree stump as she tried to get some sleep. "A spontaneous haiku."

Shijin blinked. "A what?" he asked.

"You don't know what a spontaneous haiku is?" Seou asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Er, no," Shijin said. "I'm more of an iambic pentameter sort of person. I write a lot of poems for Kakita Yoshi's line of Cranemark Greeting Cards. Perhaps you've heard of them. Here's one of my most popular:

Shijin grinned widely, waiting for approval. His grin faded a moment later in the face of our complete, bewildered silence. "You didn't like that one, did you?"

"That was *awful*," Sanzo spat, "Were you even *trying*?"

"The rhymes were rather nice, I thought," Shijin said defensively.

"Those weren't rhymes!" Sanzo said. "You just used the same words over and over again!"

"Well fine, then!" Shijin retorted. "I'd like to see you try to do better, ronin!"

"Well maybe I will," Sanzo said.

"I'd like to see you try," Shijin huffed.

"Fine then," Sanzo said. "One spontaneous haiku coming right up..."

We all sat around for several moments, watching Sanzo carefully. Sanzo rolled his eyes upward in deep thought. I could almost smell the ozone from the little gears churning in his head. Finally he snapped back to reality with a wicked grin on his face.

"Okay," he said, "Get ready for this:

Turi snorted to keep himself from laughing.

"That was mean," I said. "Hitomi's a nice girl and when she's not dressed up in those weird yellow leotards she looks quite feminine."

"I dunno, Garou," Turi said. "I thought it was pretty good."

"Wait a minute," Toku interjected. "Sanzo, are you trying to say that Hitomi's... not a man?"

"Of course she's not a man, Toku," Sanzo said. "You know that Garou went to Mount Hitomi. You know all about what happened up there, right? I thought I told you all about that."

"You said they baked some cookies," Toku said.

"Well, you're paraphrasing," Sanzo replied. "What I actually said was-"

"Guys!" I interrupted quickly. "Can we talk about something else?" I glanced sideways at Seou. She had quite the amused grin on her face, and I looked away in embarrassment.

"Sure thing, Garou," Sanzo shrugged. "Turi your turn."

"For what, a poem?" Turi asked. "Or a dirty limerick like you just did?"

"Either one is fine," Sanzo replied.

"Okay, then," Turi said. He scrunched up his face in thought for many moments. Finally, he nodded to himself in satisfaction. "Okay, this one's about the Lion Clan. I've been thinking a lot about how to clear our name after all the evil stuff Kitsu Okura and his friends have been doing and I figure this sums up my campaign...

Kakita Shijin looked like he was going to say something, then thought better of it when he remembered that Matsu Turi was nearly six feet tall.

"So that's it?" Toku asked. "That's how you're going to get people to stop thinking of the Lion as a bunch of maho-tsukai and Shadowlands collaborators? 'At least we're still not the Crane'?"

"You don't think it'll work?" Turi said.

"Bugger that, it's brilliant," Sanzo said. "Kudos, Turi. I wish I'd thought of that myself. Wow, Turi, we're good poets."

"None of those poems are proper haiku," Seou said with a sigh. "They don't have the right amount of syllables or anything."

"Well, why don't you do one, Seou?" I asked. "Show us how they work."

"Okay, fine," she said. "They go something like this:

We all paused for a moment, taking that in.

"That doesn't even rhyme," Shijin said at last.

"It's not supposed to rhyme!" Seou returned angrily. "That's not the point of a haiku! It's all rhythm, metaphor, story, that sort of thing! You're supposed to communicate something, not show how clever you are by just finding words that end with the same syllable!"

"Obviously you don't know anything about poetry," the Crane chuckled.

"Well, land and strange sort of rhyme," Toku offered helpfully. "Isn't that a slant rhyme? Is that what they call it?"

"You're all a bunch of idiots," she said, storming off into the forest.

"Will she be all right?" Toku asked.

"Eh, she'll be fine," I said. Last time I tried to follow Seou she disappeared on me anyway. I wasn't about to bother trying it again. "Whose turn is it?"

"Yours," Sanzo said with a grin. "I bet you can't outdo mine."

I grimaced openly at Sanzo, taking his comment as a personal insult. Well, that did it. It wasn't hard to come up with a poem after that. It just sort of sprang to my head.

Everyone laughed at that. Well, everyone but Sanzo.

"I thought you promised not to tell anyone about that, Garou," Sanzo said.

I just looked at him. "What are you talking about, Sanzo?" I asked. "Tell anyone about what?"

"Er, Sanzo?" Toku said. "Garou didn't know about that. That was me that saw you do that."

"Saw you do what?" Turi asked, looking at Sanzo curiously.

"Never mind!" Sanzo retorted, his face flushing. "Whose turn is it now?"

"Mine!" Toku said. "And I'm all excited cause mine poem's all ready!"

"Well," Turi said. "It is pretty late. Maybe we should all just get to sleep instead."

"Right," Sanzo agreed. "No need to waste any more time with this nonsense. Night, everybody."

Toku frowned, disappointed. "So I don't get to tell my poem? I'm a good poet, seriously!"

"I'm sure you are," Shijin said in a condescending tone. "Now why don't you just go to sleep and dream about poetry?"

"No, seriously!" Toku said. "I'm a good poet!"

Everyone just sort of ignored Toku, readying their bedrolls and preparing to sleep. I felt bad for him, partially because he was technically my daimyo now but mostly just because he looked so pathetic. I cleared my throat loudly. "Guys," I said. "Toku really is quite a good poet. He wrote Agetoki's death haiku, after all. Come to think of it, Toku always did Agetoki's homework for him. Anyway, we should give him a chance. We made him listen to all of our cruddy poems, after all."

Turi groaned. "Well, all right," he said. "But make it fast, Toku."

"Okay!" he said happily. He straightened his little moustache and removed his helmet, preparing his best speaking voice. Toku began:

"Huh?" Sanzo said. "That made even less sense than the others. What was the Scorpion thing all about?"

Toku's jaw just hung open, and he pointed.

We all turned. Trooping down the road toward us, in the dead of night, were thousands of samurai, shugenja, and peasants. They wore the black and red of the exiled Scorpion clan. Their faces were hard and determined. We quickly scrambled to our feet and looked for some place to hide.

"No, no, Garou," Yogo Asami said, emerging from the forests on the opposite side of the road. "Please, stay a while. We have a lot to catch up on."

I quickly tried to think of something to say. It was our fault that the Scorpion had been exiled to the Burning Sands in the first place, but hopefully they didn't know that. Hopefully I'd all be able to act calmly and coolly enough that they wouldn't realize how nervous I was. I just had to avoid saying anything stupid.

"Um, nice tan," I said.

TO BE CONTINUED...

"Turi!" moaned the samurai-ko's voice. "Turi, you must save the Lion!"

The deep voice of Matsu Turi mumbled something in reply. I blinked wearily, just rising from my sleep.

"Turi, you must stop the Ikoma!" the woman added.

Again, Turi mumbled something in reply. "Huh?" I said, sitting up and looking around. I seemed to be sitting in a dark room. Nearby, Matsu Turi sat with his head lowered in meditation, his katana in its sheath and clutched before him in both hands.

"Turi, you must stop Kitsu Okura before it is too late!" said the voice of Matsu Tsuko.

"Yes, dear," Turi said.

" Turi, you must destroy Akuma!" she demanded.

"Yes, dear," Turi said.

"Turi, you must restore the honor and glory of the Lion!" she cried.

"Yes, dear," Turi said.

"Turi, are you even listening to me? You're not listening to me, are you?" the ghostly form of Matsu Tsuko appeared from the shadows. She folded her arms across her chest and glared down at Turi, tapping her foot on the ground.

"Yeah, I'm listening!" Turi grumbled. "For pete's sake, I'm *busy*, woman! I'm working on the whole Lion thing but I'm right in the middle of saving the Empire right now!"

Tsuko rose one spectral eyebrow. "Really," she said. "Looks more like you're just playing around with your Monkey friends to me."

Turi sighed. "All right, all right, already," he said. "I'll get to it! I promise! But I sure as heck can't save the Lion Clan with you yapping in my ear all day!"

"Yapping?" Tsuko said, shaking her head and taking a step back. "So I'm yapping, am I? Well, you sure aren't saving the Lion Clan even with my 'yapping' so I'd hate to see how you do without it! And what's this about you and this girl? This new girl I've been hearing that you're going out with?"

"We're not going out, she's just a friend!" Turi snapped. "Besides, it's none of your business! It's over between us! Remember how you broke up with me? Oh, and, oh yeah, remember how you *died*? Don't you think that could be an obstacle to our relationship? Huh?"

"Fine, be that way," Tsuko said haughtily. "Don't know what I ever saw in you anyway. You don't deserve me. I should have picked Matsu Yojo to save the Lion."

"He's dead too! That's just what I'm talking about!" Turi snarled back. "You live in your own little reality, Tsuko. Every morning it's 'Turi, save the Lions,' 'Turi, kill Akuma,' 'Turi, stop Okura.' 'Turi, cut your hair.' *Man*, you're needy!"

Tsuko blinked. "Well, then," she said stiffly. "Well then, Matsu Turi. Well then. We'll just see how you do without Matsu Tsuko to push around. Well, then." She sniffed loudly, threw her head back, snapped her fingers in the air and vanished back to Jigoku. Turi sighed deeply and bowed his head, his big mane rustling noisily.

"What's going on?" I asked, peering around the small room. I didn't remember this place. My head felt numb.

"Man, oh man, Garou," Turi said. "I've heard of codependency, but that Tsuko's something else. I've never had an ex-girlfriend call me so much. Even when she's dead she keeps calling me. I'm thinking of filing a restraining order."

"Could be worse," I said.

"How?" he asked.

"Could be Kamoko."

Turi nodded quickly, accepting this fact without argument. "So how are you doing, Garou?"

"Where are we?" I asked. "I don't remember this place. I don't remember any of this. Last thing I remember, we were in the woods with a bunch of Scorpions."

"Yeah, you've been out of the loop for a while, Garou," Turi said. "Coma. Not a word out of you for like two months. We were pretty worried that you'd died or something."

"Yeah, well, I'd better get my bearings quick," I said. "Last time something like this happened to me, I woke up a Lion. That dang Matsu brand still itches."

I looked around quickly. The Ancestral Armor of the Crab was resting against one wall, safe and sound. As was my pouch of spell scrolls and my Monkey hat. The bag of pearls that the Shashakar had given me, however, was gone.

"Where's Sanzo?" I asked quickly.

"Sanzo?" Turi asked. "Haven't seen him in a while. Not since shortly after you were knocked out, actually. Why?"

"Never mind," I said with a sigh. Somewhere, someplace in Rokugan, the most sacred relics of the Naga Akasha were probably being used to buy broken down horses or fund Sanzo's fetish for kabuki. But that wasn't important right now. I rubbed my eyes roughly and looked up again. "So what happened, anyway?" I asked. "Did Yogo Asami do something to me to knock me out? Poison me or something?"

Turi laughed. "Yeah, you wish," he said. "Worse than that. I'm not surprised you don't remember. The Scorpions actually weren't all that upset about seeing you."

"Did they know about..." I trailed off.

"About how you carried the little stuffed duck around with you until you were thirteen?" Turi asked. "Yeah, they told me all about that."

I frowned. "How did they--" I trailed off again. "Never mind that. Did they know that we were the ones that got them banished? That we kidnapped the Emperor and Toshimoko blamed the whole thing on them? Did they know about that?"

Turi's jaw dropped open. "You guys kidnapped the Emperor? And blamed it on the Scorpion?!?"

I paused. "Um, yeah, Turi," I said. "We told you all about that, remember?"

"I just thought that you turned him into a chicken!" Turi said. "I never knew that you guys kidnapped him, too! That's terrible! Ultimate dishonor!" He pointed at me. "Ultimate dishonor on you!" He poked me in the arm with his finger. "Ultimate dishonor!" He poked me again. "No fair trade-backs!"

"Turi, calm down," I said. "You thought it was okay when we hired a maho-tsukai and accidentally turned Toturi the Black into Toturi the Black Chicken but now you're poking me with the dishonor finger because we kidnapped him? Do you realize how silly that is?"

"No," Turi said.

"That's right, I forgot," I said. "You're a Lion. Anyway, go on. What happened next? Did the Scorpions torture me or what?"

"No, though they made fun of Toku for a while. They all promised to join the Monkey Clan. Then they pointed at Toku's chest and asked him if that was the Monkey mon he was wearing on his chest."

"Then what happened?" I asked.

"Well, when he looked down at their finger, the Scorpion punched him in the nose and ran off giggling."

I laughed out loud.

"Hey, Garou," Turi said, wrinkling his brow. "Isn't Toku like your daimyo or something now?"

I thought about that for a second. "Hey," I said. "That's right." Suddenly I was offended. "Who was the Scorpion that punched Toku?" I demanded. "What was his name?"

"Jujun," Turi said. "Soshi Jujun."

"Never heard of him."

"Well, here," Turi said. "He gave me his card." He handed me a small scrap of stiff parchment. It read as follows:

Soshi "Wildman" Jujun Scorpion Clan Betrayer For all your betraying needs. "You've tried the rest! Now try the best!" Weddings € Cocktail Parties € Bar Mitzvahs Call anytime!

I squinted, looked up at Turi curiously, then read the paper again. "What the heck is this?" I asked. "Is this a joke?"

"Nope, he seemed pretty serious," he said. "I asked him if he was any good. I asked him what sort of stuff a professional betrayer did."

"What did he say?"

"He said, well, betraying and stuff," Turi shrugged. "I asked him what sort of betraying, like would he tell the whole Empire that the Scorpion Clan had broken their exile?"

"And?"

"He said that he actually would, for four koku."

"So what did you do?"

"I gave him four koku."

"You paid a man to betray his own clan?" I asked.

"Hey, I wanted to see if he would really do it!" Turi retorted. "It's not like I kidnapped the Emperor or something!"

"Point taken," I said. "In hindsight, I guess it was a bad idea."

"Shinjo sure thought so." Turi nodded thoughtfully.

"Hm?" I said. "Shinjo who? Yasamura?"

"No," Turi said. "Shinjo. As in Shinjo-Shinjo. Lady Shinjo. The kami. The First Unicorn. The Big Cheese. The Horse Lady. Well, I guess I maybe shouldn't call her the Horse Lady but those other ones all sound about right. She was with the Scorpion. Apparently she came back with them."

"Shinjo???" I exclaimed. "The kami have returned? Damn, I *have* been missing a lot!"

"Well, just the one kami, so far," Turi said, holding up a finger. "No big deal. Not like it was Akodo or anything. I wouldn't get too excited if I were you, Garou. Last time you met Shinjo, things didn't go very well."

"I met Shinjo?" I blinked. "I don't even remember that. What happened?"

"Well, she took one look at you and screamed something about you being a kolat," Turi said.

"Wow," I said. "Well, that's true, technically. Akodo Kage did say I could join up, even though my training was cut a little short when... um... Ginawa cut Asahina Dorai a little short."

"Oh, he's alive, too," Turi said. "He says hi."

"What the?!?" I spat. "Dorai's alive? How-- never mind," I waved off the subject. "Too much confusing stuff at once. Finish the thing with Shinjo. What happened next?"

"Well, she drew that big purple sword of hers and started charging," Turi said. "I figured things looked pretty bad what with the way all the Scorpions and Unicorns started backing a nice splattering distance away from you and all. Me and Sanzo and Toku were ready to fight with you... well, me and Toku were anyway, but you ordered us all aside and told us you'd handle Shinjo yourself."

"I did that?" I replied incredulously. "I challenged a kami? What the heck did I expect to do?"

"You showed her that tattoo of yours," Turi said. "Not the Matsu brand, but the one with the Crab chick in the bikini with the hammer. The one you never show anybody. The 'Crabs do it Sideways' one."

"Ye gods," I replied, smacking myself on the forehead. "What was I thinking?" The tattoo had been a gift from Togashi Hoshi, who in a drunken stupor had found it necessary to carve a magic tattoo on my arm. I had little or no control over it. It had a very powerful but often disturbing effect on women...

"I bet you're wondering right now what Shinjo did next?" Turi said.

I looked at Turi. "Of course I'm wondering what Shinjo did next," I said.

"I bet you are!" Turi said.

"Yeah, so tell me," I said.

"I bet you'd like to know!" he said, grinning like an idiot.

"Turi what the hell's wrong with you?" I asked. "Tell me what happened! You're acting like Sanzo."

Turi's face went suddenly flat and humorless. "Well, pardon me for living, Fuzake Garou," he said. "I was just trying to make the story more interesting. I *am* a poet, after all."

"Poet?" I remarked. "Turi, you haven't been hanging around with Kakita Shijin, have you?"

"You mean Hida Yakamo?" Turi asked. "That poser? Bah. Nah, I figure I need a little more culture in my life. I've been practicing my poetry and storytelling."

"Really?" I asked. "Why?"

Turi coughed slightly and looked away. "Um, you want to hear about Shinjo, right?"

"Er, yeah," I said, returning to the earlier point. "Yeah, go on with that."

"Well, she stopped," Turi said. "She took one look at your tattoo and she stopped dead cold with love in her eyes."

"Wow," I said. "Well that's good."

"Not so good," Turi said. "She stopped. Her horse didn't."

"Ouch," I said.

"And then some," Turi nodded. "Dang thing must have kicked you twenty feet."

"Then what happened?" I asked.

"Then Toku and I picked you up and carried you the heck out of there in the confusion!" Turi said. "You've got enough problems without a lovesick kami chasing after you!"

"I don't know," I said thoughtfully. "I bet it might have been nice to have a kami in love with me."

"Garou," Turi said with dead serious gravity. "Think it over. Have you ever seen the Unicorn Clan mon?"

"Yeah," I said.

"I have news for you," Turi said. "I don't think it's supposed to be a Unicorn. I think Shinjo was into self-portraiture."

"She's a horse?" I asked.

"No, but she sure looks like one," the Lion replied. "Smells like one too. I get the feeling that Lord Moon's family was very close, if you get my meaning."

"Weird," I said. "I guess you can't pick your gods."

"Funny you should say that," Turi said with a chuckle.

"Why's that?" I asked.

"Do you have any idea where we are?" Turi asked.

"Er..." I looked around. "Nope."

Turi nodded. "I thought not. You remember Morikage castle?" he asked. "How I pitched in and helped you guys even though I'd never met any of you before? And we ran in and stopped the evil ninja guys from cooking up Toturi and serving him to the Imperial Court? You remember that day?"

"Yeah," I said warily. Turi was getting that berserker look in his eyes, the sort of look that my Uncle Taka always got right around the Christmas shopping season.

"Wasn't that fun?" Turi asked.

"Er..." I sought vainly for an answer. Then the door to the room opened. Toku walked in with a bleak look on his face.

"Garou," he said with a sudden smile. "You're up! Just in time!"

"For what?" I asked.

"We're gonna kill Lord Moon!" Toku said.

"Huh?" I said. "What the heck does that mean?"

"You'd better look outside, Garou," Toku said.

I made my way out of the small house and stepped into the street. I immediately recognized the area as the North Hub Village. It was very dark, but everything seemed to be covered with a queer bluish light radiating from the north. I turned that way and squinted.

The moon filled the entire northern half of the sky.

"Woah!" I said. "When the heck did THAT happen?"

"Couple of days ago," Toku said. "Apparently your ex-girlfriend did something to cheese off Onnotangu. Now they're fighting."

"My ex--" I looked at Toku, confused.

"The bald guy," Toku said.

I rolled my eyes. "You mean Hitomi? She did this? Why?"

"Who knows why women do anything?" Turi grumbled, striding past us down the street.

"He's not doing an Agetoki on us, is he?" Toku asked thoughtfully.

"I don't know," I said. "I sure hope-- WHAT IN JIGOKU HAPPENED TO OTOSAN UCHI????"

"Stop yellin', Garou!" Toku said covering one ear and wincing. "I'm right here!"

"B-b-b-b-b-b-but--" I pointed and stuttered. The Imperial capitol lay on the southern horizon. It was covered in flitting black shadows. The stones of the city looked as if they had aged ten thousand years. The city lay in ruins. I looked at Toku quickly. "It didn't look like that last time, right? Tell me I'm not imagining this." I clutched the sides of my head as if afraid that it would fall off. My knees buckled.

"Settle down, Garou," Toku said, steadying my shoulder with one hand.

I didn't know what was more worrying. That the world was completely falling apart or that the only person who seemed to have a grip on himself was Toku.

"Well, you guys about ready?" Turi asked. He nodded down the street, toward where an army of samurai were headed our way, preparing to assault the city. At the head of the group was a tall samurai-ko in bright purple armor, seated on a war-horse that was at least nine feet tall.

"Is that...?" I asked.

"Yup, that's Shinjo," Toku said. "Maybe you'd better go put the Crab Armor on. She might not recognize you with that mask."

"Good idea," I said, disappearing back into the house.

"Hi Garou," said the monk sitting in the chair just inside. I hadn't noticed him before. In my already unstable state, I was so started that I tripped and fell flat onto my face.

"Watch those tiles," he said, not looking up from his latest issue of the Imperial Herald. "They're a little loose since the Shadow got into the city and made everything go to crap. Darn ninjas. Get into everything. Worse than roaches, if you ask me." The man's chest was bare and swirled with odd fiery tattoos. A large, pointed straw hat rested atop his shaven head and a bamboo staff was propped up against the wall beside him.

"Who are you?" I asked, stumbling to my feet.

"I am Takao," he said. "Acolyte of Fire." He stood and bowed to me.

"Nice hat," I said.

"Thanks," he said. "It was on sale."

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I was sent by your friend Hoshi Maseru," he said. "I've come to help you defeat the Shadow and turn Toturi the Black back to normal."

"Wow," I said. "Really? How will you do that? We've been wandering all over Rokugan trying to find a way to do that!"

"The path is easy enough for one with the eyes to see," the monk said with a smile. "Just as the sun must sometimes rise in the west so must the chicken go to crow with the sun and thus and always a mushroom must grow on the northernmost west side of the tree and so long as there are songs to sing there will be happy little girls with sunny hair and then when I met the alligator I said to him good day and whatnot."

"Huh?" I said. "What did any of that have to do with Toturi?"

The monk sighed. "Some people will never understand."

"Bull!" I said. "You just don't know! You don't know how to turn him back, do you?"

"If it makes you feel better to believe it so, then believe it so," the monk said. "You didn't expect to carry the Emperor around as a chicken forever, did you?"

"Well, that's weird," I said. "I thought Toshimoko was supposed to help us... or Shahai... or somebody, but then you just stroll into fix it all."

"Yeah," Takao said. "You ever get the feeling that you're in a story that the writer's just making up as he goes along for his own amusement.?"

"What?" I snapped. "What was that?" For some reason, that comment offended me greatly.

"Nothing mighty Fuzake Garou," Takao said with a vaguely mocking tone. He made little quotation marks with his hands when he said 'Mighty Fuzake Garou.' "None of that matters now. All that matters is that we return Toturi to the Palace of Otosan Uchi, and return him to the place now occupied by Onnotangu's puppet."

"Onnotangu?" I asked. "I thought Goju Adorai was behind all this."

"He is, but villains are like boogers. Whenever you think you're rid of one, a bigger one shows up."

"That was a really stupid metaphor," I said.

"Eh, they can't all be gems," Takao said. "Anyway, your old friend Hoshi Maseru infiltrated Hitomi's stronghold recently. He brought these back to us." Takao reached into his pants pocket and took out several goofy looking plastic elemental-ring key chains (the kind they sell for five koku each at the International House of Tao) some pocket lint and a pair of crumpled up letters. He separated the letters out and put the rest away.

I took a letter and looked at it. "This is from Hitomi," I said.

Takao nodded. "Read it."

So I did.

"My beloved Garou... Why haven't you called? I've been waiting so long for you to come back to us up on Kyuden Hitomi. If you're scared of Kokujin, well he's, like, gone and stuff so you don't have to worry about that. I really miss you. Please come back soon. I'd give anything to see you back, the moon, the stars, whatever. Please come back to me. Hitomi."

"Weird," I said. "I never got this letter."

"Yes, I know," Takao said. "It's dated some time during the period while you were amnesiac at Matsu Castle. Here, now read the reply..."

"Reply?" I said, confused. I took the other letter.

"Hey, Hitomi-babe... Thanks for writing! Sadly, I'm really busy right now and I can't drop in and see you. But hey. If you *do* get me the moon and stars maybe I'll drop by. Garou"

I frowned. "This is Sanzo's handwriting."

"Yes," Takao said with a sigh. "I think he was doing you a favor, or trying to. Maybe he thought that the reply would make her leave you alone. Sadly, he underestimated the power of your tattoo and Hitomi's heart."

"Why would I want her to leave me alone?" I said blankly. "Hitomi's a nice girl. I like her a lot."

Takao blinked. "You're kidding. We're talking about the same Hitomi here, right? The androgynous bald rock formation and part time weapons rack that lives on top of the mountain THAT SHE NAMED AFTER HERSELF. That Hitomi?"

"That's just her public image," I said. "She's sweet, really."

"And apparently a lunatic," Takao said, putting the letters back into his pocket. "Sanzo has no idea what he's done. She's challenged the moon itself to get you back, Fuzake Garou."

"Wow," I said. "I'm flattered and a little scared by that."

"You should be," Takao said. "Did you look outside?"

"Yeah," I said, running a hand through my hair nervously. "The moon's come to destroy the earth. The Shadow's overrun Otosan Uchi. What'll we do to stop it?"

"Fight," Takao shrugged.

"That's it?" I asked. "That's the big plan you came to share with us? That's the wisdom of Shinsei? Thanks a lot, Takao."

"What do you mean?" Takao laughed. "You samurai are usually pretty happy when someone just points you in a direction and tells you to bash stuff. Why are you getting so picky all of a sudden?"

"You're right," I said wryly. "How selfish of me. Just give me a second to throw on the stolen Ancestral Armor of the Crab and I'll be right with you."

"Now that's the spirit," Takao said. "I'll be right outside."

I looked apprehensively at the Ancestral Armor of the Crab. I really didn't want to put it on again. Not because of the responsibility it bore. Not because of its freaky magical powers. Not because of its dark history and the dire fates that have been borne by those who have worn it. I think... I think it was the codpiece.

Yes, it was definitely the codpiece. I didn't even know samurai armor had codpieces, but the Crab are nothing if not thorough. They seem to have went ahead and invented one for this suit, and they didn't design it for comfort.

Sigh.

If you don't know what a codpiece is, I'm not going to tell you. Just count your blessings and keep reading.

Anyway, after struggling into the armor again, I walked back outside. I quickly turned to head back inside, as Shinjo was standing two feet away.

"And what of the Crab?" Shinjo shouted suddenly. I froze in my tracks, thinking she was talking to me. Luckily, she wasn't. "Will no hero stand and represent the Crab against this fearsome enemy? A champion from each clan is needed! We must stand together!"

I walked faster.

"Hey!" shouted someone. "What about that guy over there?" The voice sounded suspiciously like Makashi's little weenie friend, Hasame.

"You there!" Shinjo said, suddenly grabbing the shoulder-plate of my armor.

"Er... yes?" I said, trying not to make eye contact. She didn't look quite as ugly as Turi had made her out to be, but she was no spring chicken. Let's just say that a few centuries in the desert left Shinjo looking a little weathered. Well, weathered isn't the word for it. More like someone had stretched her face between two sticks to ward off the wind for the night and then stapled it back on. I immediately pushed that thought away as it was sort of blasphemous and Shinjo would probably trample me if she ever found out I'd been thinking about it.

"Will you stand at the side of the heroes of Rokugan, heroes chosen not by destiny but necessity, to battle back the darkness that has consumed our capitol?"

"Um, okay," I said.

"Excellent!" Shinjo replied, her voice trailing off into a giddy neigh. "What is your name, samurai? Have we met? You look sort of familiar."

"I'm..." I grabbed at the first Crab name I could think of. "Hida Unari." He was a guy I'd had gym class with in high school. I hadn't even seen him in years.

"Hida Unari?" Tsuruchi of the Wasp Clan said, confused. "I thought Hida Unari was in Ryoko Owari."

"That's another guy named Hida Unari," I said. "You must be thinking of him."

"Oh," Hasame said uncertainly.

"Well, welcome to Otosan Uchi, Hida Unari," Shinjo said, still looking at me with a curious expression. It seemed like she almost recognized me. Luckily, the Armor of the Crab has a reputation for being somewhat resistant to magic, and I think that was screwing with her mystical perception abilities somewhat. Or she was just dim. She had that kind of horsey look in her eyes that Sanzo had all the time.

"So what are we doing here?" I asked. "It looks like the big fight's going on at Kyuden Hitomi."

"Ah, perhaps I can explain that," said a voice from behind me.

We all turned around to see a tall man in shiny blue and black armor. A wickedly sharp katana hung at his side. "Hello there," he said with a warm smile. "Hello, everyone. I'm the Champion of the Moon and I guess I'm going to be your conqueror tonight if that's okay." He waved. "Sorry I don't know all of your names, I don't mean to appear impersonal but there *are* an awful lot of you." He chuckled. "Are you having a good time?"

"Sure, whatever," I said. "Pleased to meet you."

The Champion of the Moon smiled politely. He cleared his throat and continued. "Okay, then, I guess here's the thing. Lord Moon is a really busy guy. As much as he'd like to gain vengeance upon the pathetic mortal minions of his traitorous fallen children all at once..." The Champion paused for a moment. "That's you guys, by the way," he said, waving his hands in an encompassing gesture toward the crowd. "The pathetic mortal minions of Lord Moon's traitorous fallen children would be you guys. That's you. No offense, but that's you."

"We know that!" Shinjo snarled. "We know what Onnotangu thinks of us!"

"Hey, excuse me!" the Champion said. "Just making sure. A few of your guys looked a little confused, that's all. Just trying to be helpful. Anyways, where was I?" The Champion sighed and put his hands on his hips, staring blankly off into the sky.

"You were going to explain what we're all doing here," Turi said.

The Champion snapped and pointed at Turi. "That's right! Thanks, man. Anyway, Lord Moon is omnipotent and all that, but he really can't be bothered to slaughter you all and corrupt your Emperor himself. He's got things to do. Chasing the sun. Killing Hitomi. Nurturing the Shadow. All that kind of stuff. So he sent me to destroy the Imperial Capitol and smack you all around a little bit. So I'm going to go into the capitol now and whenever you guys are ready you can come on in there and we'll sort this out. Hurry, up, though! I've got fresh ninjas for everybody!" The Champion of the Moon turned around and strolled back into the city of Otosan Uchi, whistling.

"OOooo!" Hasame said. "Ninjas!"

"Well, he was certainly polite," Toku remarked.

"World conquering megalomaniacs are always polite," Shinjo said bitterly. "You should meet my little brother some time. He'd always give the best birthday presents. He'd give us beautiful katanas and little obsidian ogre collectible statues and puppies and that sort of thing. You know why? So he could pretend to be all bitter and resentful when Hantei gave him socks in return. Even though he *knew* every year Hantei bought everyone socks. I mean, it was a given. I swear, Fu Leng was such a wiener."

"Well there's a phrase I never thought I'd hear," Matsu Turi observed.

"Well, let's get to it," Shinjo said pertly. "We've got a lot of people to kill today." She urged her horse onward and the army headed toward the city. I noticed warriors from every clan walking among us. I tried to look inconspicuous and stay away from the few other Crabs in the group as much as possible. I hoped no one would recognize me. After a while, though, I started to get hot so I inconspicuously tried to remove my mempo.

"Hey Garou!" shouted a happy voice as soon as I'd removed the mask. "How's it going? I didn't recognize you!" Isawa Hochiu trotted up next to me with a wide grin. His yojimbo Shiba Tetsu was a step behind, staring off toward the city with a look of utter terror on his face.

"Shh!" I said quickly, hoping Shinjo hadn't heard that. "I'm in disguise!"

"Oh," Hochiu said, nodding. "Whatever. Anyway, dude, you looking forward to the big fight? I know I am! Finally get a chance to get even!"

"With?" I asked.

"Huh?" he said.

"Get even with what?" I asked. "The ninjas do something to you?"

"Um, no," Hochiu said. "But my father was Isawa Tsuke. That gives me a lot of excuse to do a lot of getting even. Even with people I have no business getting even with. It's a big job, but I'm looking forward to it."

"I'm happy for you," I said.

"Unari!" Turi said, suddenly jumping to my side with his sword drawn. "Look out!"

I glanced up and saw it begin. An army of shadows spread from the city of Otosan Uchi, all sharp claws and fiery red eyes. Shinjo shouted the charge and the front ranks were overwhelmed by the darkness. Some were pulled screaming into the shadows to become shadows themselves. Others were simply torn limb from limb by ninja blades. Only Shinjo's sword was having any effect. The rest of us were being methodically slaughtered.

"Uh..." I said. "Did anybody think to bring any crystal?"

"Er..." Hochiu said. "Oops?"

"I got some arrows," Tsuruchi said. "But they're mine."

"Hey!" Hasame said suddenly. "There's a really nice flower shop over by the west wall that sells crystal, too! I hang out there all the time!"

"Hasame," Turi said. "Why do you hang out in a flower shop?"

"I... er... my mom likes flowers," he said defensively, folding his arms and turning away from Turi.

"That's not important right now!" I shouted, jumping between the two. "We have to find some weapons before everyone dies! And as unlikely as it may seem, just this once it looks like the inherent weirdness of Toturi's Army might have just given us a chance! Hasame, can you find the flower shop?"

"Sure thing," he said.

"Toku," I said. "Do you have the chicken?"

"Right here," Toku said, holding up the cage with Toturi the First inside.

"Um... what are you guys doing with a chicken?" asked Tsuruchi, pausing from the battle with an arrow halfway to his bow to stare at us with horrified curiosity.

"Long story," Takao said. "Let's just get to that shop."

Turi led the way. His sword didn't do much better against the shadows than anyone else's, but his size and strength knocked the ninjas aside like leaves in the wind. Toku fought valiantly with the magic yari the Phoenix had given him, cutting several of the ninjas to pieces as we ran. Hochiu and I used our magic, hurling flame and lightning into the shadow ranks. Takao's bo staff was a whirling dervish of strength and power, blazing with elemental fire. Tsuruchi loosed crystal tipped bolts of doom, striking two or three ninja dead with a shot. Shiba Tetsu and Hasame stood in the back and bravely avoided getting in anybody's way.

After several minutes of fighting, we rounded the corner of Otosan Uchi's North Wall. We were nearly to our goal. The West wall was in sight!

And so was an army of Lion samurai.

And Kitsu Okura.

And Oni no Akuma.

Akuma turned to me, hip deep in dead ninjas, and grinned.

"GAROUUUUUUUU," he roared. "SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT AT LAST...."

"Friend of yours?" Hasame asked.

"Um," I said, "not exactly..."

So there we were, in the West Hub of Otosan Uchi. Myself, Matsu Turi, Takao, Toku, Isawa Hochiu, Shiba Tetsu, Hasame, and Tsuruchi. An army of ninjas were pursuing us from behind. Lord Moon's Champion had invaded the city. The army of Shinjo had no crystal weapons with which to fight. And we'd run straight into an army of Lion samurai, led by Kitsu Okura and Oni no Akuma. The oni was currently looking at me and sharpening his fangs on a small tea house.

"So... um... Garou," Tsuruchi mumbled to me quietly. "What are we going to do now?"

"I've got it all covered," I whispered back. "Matsu Turi's a Lion and technically so am I. I'll just ask Okura to step aside and there won't be any trouble."

"Are you sure about that?" Hasame stuttered, staring up at the oni in abject terror.

"Yeah, Garou," Matsu Turi said. "Are you sure about that?"

"Pretty sure," I shrugged. I walked over to talk to the Lions.

"So, um... how's it going, Okura?" I asked, trying to look friendly. "

Okura nodded and giggled. "Hello," he said. He opened his mouth, and a spout of drool dangled down to his knees. He began counting his toes out loud.

"Hello?" I said, waving my hand right in his face. "Are you listening to me, dude? Um... Jade Champion? Hello, this is Houston, come in Jade Champion."

"Sometimes the birdies don't talk back to me anymore," Okura said sadly.

Oni no Akuma turned toward us slowly, spitting out the last bit of the roof shingle it had been chewing on. "YOU ARE A FOOL," it rumbled with a choking laugh. "THE JADE CHAMPION IS NO MORE! THERE ISSS ONLY AKUUUUMAAAAA!"

"And a few thousand Lions," Turi pointed at the army behind the Oni.

"YEAH, AND THEM, TOO," Akuma said. "WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO SMASH OTOSAN UCHI, SINCE IT WAS THERE AND EVERYTHING. WE RAN INTO THESE DAMN NINJAS ON THE WAY SO THAT'S SORT OF SLOWING THINGS DOWN. I WAS REALLY SORT OF FRUSTRATED UNTIL WE RAN INTO YOU. NOW AT LEAST I GET TO KILL FUZAKE GAROU. WON'T THAT BE FUN, GUYS?"

"Um," I said. "Can we discuss this? I mean really, the Moon's about to destroy the whole Empire. Can't we call a truce or something?"

"Lord Akuma has spoken!" shouted a Lion in the front. "We follow his command!"

"Wait just a second," Turi said, stepping in front of me. His face was dark red in anger and veins stood out on his temples like a road map. "What in Jigoku are you guys doing following this oni for? He's an oni! And he's not even a Lion! What's up with that?"

The Lions mumbled uncertainly among themselves. Akuma rose two of his eyebrows and glared down at Turi. The oni looked back at the Lions. "DON'T LISTEN TO HIM," the oni said.

"Why not?" one of the Lions said. "It's Turi! He's one of us!"

"YESSSS," Akuma hissed. "BUT I AM BIGGER THAN HIM. THAT MEANS THAT I AM SSSSMARTER. SO LISSSTEN TO ME."

"Dammit all!" Turi cursed under his breath. "I can't argue with that logic. Akuma here obviously knows his Lions."

"So what do we do?" I asked.

"YOU DIE!" Akuma replied with a cackle. "SSSSSLOWLY AND IN THE MOSSSST HUMILIATING MANNER POSSSIBLE. RYOZO. GO FETCH ME THE TAPIOCA."

"Check!" Ikoma Ryozo said, darting back into the Lion ranks.

"Let's fight!" Isawa Hochiu whispered at my side. "We can still defeat Akuma and make a run for the walls!"

"Right on!" Shiba Tetsu said in agreement. "I'll take care of the 'make a run for the walls' part, you guys can do the rest, okay?"

"Shut up, Tetsu," Matsu Turi growled.

"Um... guys?" Toku spoke up, staring down at the cage holding the black chicken. "Toturi's cage is getting really heavy."

"Stop whining, Toku," Turi snapped. "We've got a situation here. Help me figure out a way out of this that doesn't involve killing my own clan. Not that I can't take them or anything."

"DADDY?" said a harsh voice from the ranks of the Lion. "DADDY, LIKE, WHAT'S GOING ON AND STUFF?"

"OH, HI HONEY, COME ON UP HERE," Akuma said in a surprisingly sweet voice. "COME ON UP HERE. YOU CAN WATCH DADDY WORK. I'M JUST ABOUT TO KILL MY ARCH-NEMESIS, FUZAKE GAROU."

"Wow, Garou," Hasame said. "You're Akuma's arch-nemesis! That's so cool!"

"Somehow, I don't think I'll get to enjoy the prestige for long," I said back. I considered just running for it like Tetsu wanted to, but glanced back to see that the Lions had surrounded us. Ikoma Ryozo appeared from the midst of the Lion army with a big bucket of bubbly yellow pudding. Akuma received it with a wicked smile.

"OH, LIKE, WOW!" said the voice again. "ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT THING TO HIM WITH THE TAPIOCA? I SURE DON'T WANT TO MISS THAT!" A tall woman emerged appeared suddenly by Akuma's side. She was wearing a short skirt and a very low cut shirt. I thought she looked really hot at first, then she threw back her hood and I saw the horns. I also saw the family resemblance.

"HI THERE, HONEY-PUMPKIN," Akuma said, hefting the bucket and smiling fondly at his daughter. "GAROU, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY DAUGHTER, OKURA. ISN'T SHE JUST THE SWEETEST THING?"

Toku was making barfing noises next to me. I quickly elbowed him in the ribs. "Sure," I said. "I guess she is. Looks like her daddy."

"THAT'S NICE OF YOU TO SAY," Akuma said, nodding. "I'M STILL GOING TO KILL YOU, THOUGH."

"Oh," I said. "Well in that case, she's the ugliest piece of kappa-crap I've ever seen slither out of the Pit. I mean, I've seen dye-stains on Crane couches with more appeal than that. Is that her face or is she standing on her head, and if so, I think I'd buy her a new pair of shoes cause those have really had it. If nothing else, I think we can all sleep soundly in our beds at night knowing that the ugly stick has been broken. Kind of makes me want to go back to Shinjo and--"

"ENOUGH!" Akuma howled, smashing a kimono shop in his anger. "OKURA! TAKE THE TAPIOCA AND DO THAT THING TO FUZAKE GAROU! AND TAKE YOUR TIME, I WANT TO HEAR HIM YOWL LIKE THE LOWLY PRIMATE HE IS!!!!!"

Okura snatched the bucket angrily from her father and advanced on me. She was gnashing her fangs in anger and humiliation. Her eyes blazed red. "DID YOU, LIKE, HEAR THAT?" she growled. "YOU'RE GOING TO YOWL LIKE A STUPID LITTLE MONKEY BEFORE I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!!"

I rose one eyebrow at her. "I *am* a Monkey," I said. I pulled up my sleeve and aimed the Crab Chick tattoo at her.

"Oh, ye gods, no," Takao slapped both hands over his eyes.

"I am a Monkey! That was soooo *cool!*" Toku shrieked. "I wish I'd said that."

Oni no Okura stopped. The bucket of tapioca fell out of her hand, forgotten. Minor onis with little heart-tipped bows and arrows seemed to flutter about her head.

"OKURA?" Akuma said curiously. "OKURA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY AREN'T YOU KILLING GAROU?"

"OH, LIKE, FOR SURE DADDY!" Okura said. She turned with a huff and planted both fists on her hips, cocking her head to the side in exasperation. "WHY IS IT THAT, LIKE, EVERY TIME I LIKE A GUY YOU HAVE TO STEP IN AND SCREW IT ALL UP? THAT IS, LIKE, SO UNFAIR, DADDY. I MEAN LOOK AT OKURA."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HE'S FINE!" Okura said, gesturing at the limp Jade Champion.

"YOU SUCKED OUT HIS BRAIN, DADDY!" Okura shouted back. "THAT IS LIKE, UNTOWARD AND STUFF."

"HE WASN'T USING HIS BRAIN ANYWAY!"

"OKAY, LIKE, DISCUSS WITH THUS..." She held up one hand, palm out, and turned away from Akuma.

"HEY! YOU--" Akuma glanced around at his Lions troops. "IS SHE DOING THE JERRY SPRINGER THING? SHE'S DOING THE JERRY SPRINGER THING TO ME! I WILL NOT HAVE MY DAUGHTER DO THE JERRY SPRINGER THING TO ME! I WILL NOT BE TREATED SO IN FRONT OF THE CLAN I STOLE FAIR AND SQUARE! OKURA! OKURA, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"

She folded her arms and looked off at the sky.

"GRAAAAGGGGHHHHRRRRRRR!" Akuma screamed, smashing buildings on either side of the street. I noticed that a lot of Lions were quietly excusing themselves from the scene until Akuma calmed down. "FUZAKE GAROU THIS IS YOUR FAULT! YOU WILL DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The huge oni thundered toward us.

"OH, AS IF!" Oni no Okura said, picking up a horse and hitting Akuma across the face with it. Akuma fell down.

"Okay," I said. "Now we run."

So we did. Akuma and Okura continued their family spat across the heart of the West Hub Village. The Lion army had scattered like dust in the wind. Kitsu Okura was still sitting limply in the street. Matsu Turi grabbed him by the collar and tossed him over one shoulder as we ran, a large sake bar collapsing right behind us as we escaped.

"One plus one is meat," Okura observed.

"Why the heck did you save him?" Tetsu shrieked as another building exploded behind us.

"He's a Lion," Turi said, scowling back at Tetsu. "Leaving him behind would show a lack of faith. Are you calling me a coward?"

"... no," Tetsu said with a quick shake of his head. "I was just jealous that you were able to grab him before I could get to him."

"Oh, really?" Turi said thoughtfully. "Well, no need for me to be greedy. You carry him, Phoenix." Turi shifted the limp Jade Champion onto the Phoenix bushi's shoulders with a grunt. Tetsu staggered a little and pretended to smile gratefully. As soon as Turi turned around again, Tetsu rolled his eyes and mumbled something under his breath.

"How far to that flower shop, Hasame?" Takao asked. "Are we still heading the right way?"

"Yeah, if that oni hasn't eaten it already," Hasame said. "It should be right around this corner."

We rounded the corner and saw a small building that seemed untouched by the Shadow consuming the city. Turi laughed out loud.

"Oh, dear Daikoku, 'Hasame's Flower Shoppe'?" he asked, reading the sign.

Hasame blushed furiously. "Hey, being a bushi doesn't always pay the bills," he said. "Sometimes a little entrepreneurship on the side can help make the ends meet, okay?"

"Yeah, but a flower shop?" Turi asked. "Seems a little.... Craney, don't you think?"

"What do you mean by that?" Hasame fumed.

"Hey!" I shouted. "There'll be plenty of time to make fun of Hasame after we kill the moon! Let's get that crystal and get back to Shinjo!"

Turi nodded pertly and kept marching. He rose a heavy armored fist, preparing to bash down the door. Hasame quickly darted in front of him.

"Hey, hang on there, guy!" Hasame said. "These doors are expensive! I got the key right here!" He turned around and fiddled with the lock. Turi sighed, denied of his chance to inflict property damage.

Hasame disappeared into the flower shop. We waited outside for several minutes, watching the streets carefully for any signs of Lions, ninjas, onis, or whatever else might unexpectedly decide to start harassing us. Eventually, Hasame stumbled back out again. He was loaded up with several large crates which he quickly set down on the street with a groan.

"That's most of it," Hasame said. "I'll go back in and get the rest."

"Finally, weapons we can use!" Turi said, tearing the lid off the nearest crate. He reached in and suddenly his face froze. He pulled out a tiny crystal bunny statue.

"This one's pretty much the same," Hochiu said in disappointment. He held out a tiny crystal unicorn, standing on a blue crystal sphere.

"What the heck is this?" Toku asked, confused. It looked like a little crystal statue of a Crane girl, with the goofiest grin I've ever seen. She was standing above a sewer grate and holding her kimono over her knees, as if a wind was blowing up under her.

"Here, give that to me," Turi said, snatching it away from Toku and putting it in his pocket.

"How are we supposed to fight with this?" I asked, staring at the little crystal turtle I held in my hand. "We need real weapons! We're screwed!"

"Hey, I'm fine," Tsuruchi shrugged, counting his crystal arrows. "I just came along cause I didn't want to look at Shinjo anymore."

"What?" Hasame said, emerging from the shop and dropping another crate on the street. "What are you guys all so mad about? Did I do something wrong?"

"I thought you said you had crystal weapons, Hasame," I said.

"I said I had crystal, Garou," Hasame replied. "We sell little crystal figurines here. The finest the Kakita have to offer. What did you expect? A tetsubo? It's just a flower shop."

"We'll have to make do," Toku shrugged. "Garou, do you have any more of those potions the Agasha gave you? That sticky crap you gave Ryozo to put on his face?"

"A couple bottles," I said. "Why?"

Toku nodded. He set down Toturi's cage and proceeded to begin stomping heavily into the nearest crate.

"Hey!" Hasame shouted. "You're crushing all the little Precious Yoshi statues! Somebody, make him stop!"

Turi blinked. "Toku, do you actually have a plan here, or are you just smashing stuff? Just curious, cause either way I'm right behind you."

"I've actually got an idea!" Toku said proudly. "Garou, get that ointment out and start wiping it on our swords!"

"Um... Toku..." Hochiu said. "You're getting into a really weird area here."

"Yeah," Tsuruchi said. "Do you want us to leave you alone for a few minutes?"

Toku looked up. "What do you mean? I was gonna use the ointment to make the crystal powder stick to our weapons. Then we can hurt the ninjas!"

Everyone quietly digested the fact that Toku had come up with a feasible plan. Then we all sprang into action and obeyed the Monkey Clan daimyo's actions. None of us said a word until it was done. I, for one, was proud of Toku and wanted to let him have the moment. I think everyone else was so quiet because they didn't want to say anything else that might later remind them of the day Toku saved Rokugan. I realized at last that I still really didn't have a weapon. I picked up a handful of the crystal dust anyway and put it in my pocket.

"Okay, we're all set and we have plenty left," Turi said, smiling at his crystal encrusted sword. "Hey, Useless."

Tetsu blinked. "Are you talking to me?"

"Who else?" he said. "Grab the rest of these crates and bring them back to Shinjo. They probably really need this stuff about now. The rest of us are gonna go after the Moon's Champion."

"I need more pickles," Okura observed with a sad smile.

"You want me to carry all of this stuff?!?" Tetsu exclaimed. "And the vegetable sodan-senzo too? Are you nuts? That's a lot of stuff to carry!"

"Grow stronger," Turi said.

"Hey, you saw that movie, too!" Toku said brightly.

"I, er, don't know what you're talking about," Turi said. "I made that up myself." He quickly headed off toward Otosan Uchi. The others followed along. Hochiu paused a moment to give some encouraging words to Tetsu. Toku fumbled for a little while with Toturi's cage.

"You okay, Toku?" I asked. "You got that?"

"Yeah, I got it," Toku said, lifting the cage with a heave. "I dunno what's wrong with me today. Stress, I guess."

" 'Your opponent must focus, if able.' " I replied.

Toku paused. "Huh?"

"Sorry," I said. "Somebody's got to cover for Sanzo. Feels like something's missing if nobody mumbles incoherent gibberish from time to time."

"I'll get over it," Toku said. "I haven't seen Sanzo in two months and I've never been happier in my life. Well, besides the ninjas taking over the Empire and stuff. Other than that I'm pretty happy. Wherever Sanzo is, I hope he stays there for a long time with his kabuki and his bloodsword and his stupid, stupid, stupid blind horse."

"Guys," Turi said suddenly. "We've got a problem."

"What is it?" I asked.

"The ninjas seem to have outsmarted us a little." Takao said, hopping over a mound of rubble and returning to our sides. He pointed toward Otosan Uchi with his long bo staff.

The western gates of Otosan Uchi were closed. Not only were they closed, but a pair of giant chains crossed them, closed with a huge, oversized padlock. Across the padlock scrawled in green paint with very bad handwriting, it said:

"CLOSED. GO AWAY."

"What the?!?" Tsuruchi swore and stomped his foot on the ground. "Well that's just not sporting! They're taking over the world and they won't even let us in to stop them!"

"Why would they?" Hochiu asked, looking up at the walls.

"It's a supervillain thing!" Tsuruchi snapped. "I mean, look at the Day of Thunder! The Thunders had the run of the place! Togashi just wandering around, raiding the fridge and whatnot. Hell, the Hooded Ronin even brought his bird in with him! There were heroes lounging about all over the place. Fu Leng was virtually inviting people in to kill him!"

"Hey, that's not entirely true," I said. "Kachiko snuck all those people in."

"Oh, yeah, and who let Kachiko in?" Takao broke into the conversation. "I think Tsuruchi's right. Fu Leng wanted those people to kill him. Really. I mean, Kachiko was his girlfriend for Pete's sake. You can't tell me everybody in Rokugan knew that Kachiko was a piece of Scorpion trailer trash except for the omniscient dark god?"

"Guys, what does any of this have to do with the situation we're in?" I asked. "If we can't get through the walls, neither can Shinjo. Her army needs mobility to keep the ninjas from dragging everybody down into the Shadow. If they get pinned up against that wall..."

"The wall is a problem," Turi said. "All we need to do is remove it."

"Remove the West Wall of Otosan Uchi?" Hochiu asked. "How will we do that?"

"I.... don't know," Turi said. "But, damn, didn't that last line I said sound cool?"

"I have an idea," I said. "Hochiu, follow my lead if you can." I drew a spell scroll from my pouch and started to read it. A moment later, a pair of flaming wings appeared behind me, lifting me into the air.

"Wow, Garou," Hochiu said. "You can cast Wings of Fire, too!" He quickly cast the same spell.

"Yeah," I said, quickly flapping up the wall. I'd stolen the scroll from my hotel room while I was staying in Phoenix territory. I hoped if I flew away quickly enough Hochiu wouldn't notice the big Naka Inn logo on my wings.

We landed on top of the West Wall of Otosan Uchi. I stopped for one moment to take in the view. All around me, the city lay in ruins. To the west, a swath of destruction snaked through the city from Akuma and Okura's family spat. To the north, the moon was lower than ever, continuing its inexorable course toward destruction. To the east, the palace was covered in darkness. Beyond it, the seas of Golden Sun Bay churned and roiled. I guess the moon's new activities were playing havoc with the tides something fierce. To the north, Shinjo's armies fought back against Lord Moon's ninjas. They were making some headway, so I guess they'd received Tetsu's crystal. Still, the ninjas kept swarming out of the shadows like Cranes at a shoe sale. My heart sank. I hadn't realized how bad the city had gotten. It was as bad as the Day of Thunder, but this time we didn't have Shinsei on our side. Well, it was all my fault. Okay, most of it was Sanzo's fault but I still felt responsible. Beneath me, I could see my friends looking up hopefully.

"So what's the plan, Garou?" laughed a voice. "Or did you just count on your dumb luck to pull you out of this like it always does?"

I whirled around. A man in dark robes and a straw hat stood before me, arms folded. He smiled.

"Who is that?" Hochiu asked, drawing his katana. "He looks like you, Garou."

"Goju Adorai," Adorai said. "Though tonight you might call me Ninja Tourist. I've never been in the city before, so I'm taking in all the historic landmarks before the boss turns it all into dust. Oh, there's one!" He pointed to a large scorchmark on the wall nearby. "Hey, Hochiu, I think that was your dad."

Hochiu snarled and charged at Adorai. Adorai shook his head and whipped out with a wicked backhand. Shadows rippled from his arm, striking Hochiu across the face before he even reached the ninja master. The Novice of Fire collapsed backward on the wall, his katana flying from his hand.

"What about you, Garou?" Adorai asked. "You going to come after me or do I have to come over there and kill you?"

"Actually, I'm just sort of curious," I said to the ninja. "What the heck is your deal, anyway?"

Adorai scratched his head. "I'm sorry?" he said. "I don't get you."

"I don't get you, either," I said. "If you're such an all powerful ninja master, servant of the Moon God and all that, why do you keep following me around? You'd think somebody with your level of power would have better things to do."

"Yeah, you'd think," Adorai said, nodding. "Oh, well. A job's a job." He took a step toward me. "You ready to die?"

"Not just yet," I said. "One question, first. Why the heck do you look like me?"

Adorai grinned. "Lord Moon heard about Hoshi's Black Chicken crap a long time before you did," he said. "He thought a person guaranteed to cause chaos and destruction was the sort of person he wanted in his organization. So he put all his considerable power into trying to predict who their leader would be. He came pretty close, too. Sadly, he guessed wrong."

"Wait a minute," I said. "We're related???"

"Yeah," Adorai said with a dark laugh. "Scary, huh?"

"Actually," I said. "I'm more scared that my adventure actually seems to have a plot now!"

Adorai considered this. "Yeah, that is pretty scary," he agreed. "Too bad it doesn't have a happy ending, too." He continued to advance. His fists glowed with the power of Shadow.

Don't try to figure out how Shadow glows. You'll hurt your head.

"Um, hey," I said, backing away.

"You're stalling, Garou," Adorai said. "Take your death like a man."

"No, really," I said. "Serious question, here. How invulnerable are you, thanks to the Shadow?"

"Invulnerable?" Adorai said. "Completely. I'm protected from all harm by my dark lord's power. There's nothing a mortal of this earth can do to stop me."

"That's all I needed to know," I said. I turned toward the West Hub Village and cupped my hands over my mouth.

"HEY, AKUMA!" I shouted. "I'M A NINJA NOW, SO COME UP ON THE WEST WALL AND GET ME IF YOU'RE NOT TOO MUCH OF A WUSS!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?" came the reply, audible even from halfway across the city. A line of buildings between Akuma and me began exploding.

"What?" Adorai snapped. "What are you doing?"

"Summoning an oni," I said. I turned around and threw a handful of crystal dust into the ninja's eyes.

"YEEOOOWCH!" he screamed, stumbling and falling to his knees.

I grabbed Hochiu and jumped off the West Wall, using my Wings of Fire to glide into the heart of Otosan Uchi. I glanced back over my shoulder to see Akuma and Okura rise up above the West Wall. I saw Adorai blink up at him, wiping as much of the dust from his eyes as he could. I heard the last thing Goju Adorai had to say.

"Oh, shi--"

And the Lion onis destroyed the West Wall. For several minutes, the sounds of destruction continued as Akuma and Okura mercilessly savaged Adorai and beat the stones of the West Wall to powder in the process. When it was all over, the wall lay in ruins and the two oni stood over the ninja's limp body. I hid well back in the shadows, watching.

Okura poked Adorai with one foot. "OMIGOD," she said. "HE'S, LIKE, STILL ALIVE, DADDY."

"HMMM," Akuma said, folding his arms thoughtfully. "I KNEW HE WAS ANNOYING, BUT I DIDN'T EXPECT HIM TO BE IMMORTAL, TOO."

"OOO!" Okura clapped her hands with glee. "SO CAN I, LIKE, KEEP HIM?"

Akuma scratched his chin thoughtfully. "WELL... I DUNNO... YOU FORGOT TO FEED THAT BUNNY I GAVE YOU LAST WEEK. IN FACT, AS I REMEMBER, YOU ATE IT..."

"AND I PROMISE TO TAKE JUST AS GOOD CARE OF GAROU," Okura said sincerely, picking up Goju Adorai and slinging him over one shoulder. The ninja master moaned, lost in a world of mindless pain.

"GOOD," Akuma said. "YOU CAN KEEP HIM, THEN. LET'S GO HOME, HONEY. THERE'S SOME TAPIOCA IN THE FRIDGE."

"DADDY, YOU'RE, LIKE, THE BEST AND STUFF," Okura giggled, and the onis left.

"That may have been the most terrible fate I've ever seen a man resigned to," Hochiu said, rising to his feet woozily. "My compliments, Garou."

"Thanks, I think," I said. "Still, I feel kind of sorry for him. He's family, apparently."

"Eh," Hochiu said. "Can't pick your family. Take it from me."

After several minutes, Turi, Toku, and the others made their way slowly through the demolished wall. We joined them, and the seven of us slowly proceeded toward the Palace. The darkened, crumbling walls of the ancient building glared down at us, forbidding all entry. The front gates had crumbled in a pile of rubble, preventing entry. Luckily, the rest of the walls had crumbled enough that we were able to climb up to a third floor balcony. Toku walked up and knocked on the door.

"What the heck are you doing, Toku?" Turi snapped. "You can't expect to just knock and get inside!"

Right on cue, the front doors opened. Lord Moon's Champion stood right inside, wearing a bright green apron that said "Kiss the Cook." He had a spatula in his hand.

"Oh, you're here!" the Champion said, surprised. "I didn't expect any of you for another hour! Well, come in, come in, I'm baking cookies. Where's Adorai?"

"I think he went out to get some pudding," Tsuruchi said.

"Thoughtful lad, Adorai," the Champion said. He turned and walked off into the castle. "Well come in, make yourselves at home."

"Um..." I said. "Shouldn't you be trying to kill us?"

"Oh, why bother?" the Champion shrugged. "My job's done. You've lost. The Emperor's already dead, see?" He pointed. Sure enough, Toturi the First lay on the floor. Toturi's head lay several feet from where it should have been.

"Hey," Toku said, "Isn't that just the ninja shapeshifter that Ado--" Turi slapped his hand over Toku's mouth.

"Yup, you're right," I said, "You win, Moon." I started backing away toward the balcony door. Apparently, the moon hadn't even known that Adorai had replaced the Emperor. Maybe the ninja master just hadn't wanted to explain to his god that the true Emperor was a chicken. I sure wouldn't have wanted to tell that story. At any rate, there was no reason to hang around here anymore. We could just go back outside and wait for Shinjo to come in here and snuff this loser and then come back to eat his cookies. The others seemed to be thinking the same thing, as they started backing away too. Well, except for Toku. He was just staring blankly at the chicken cage he was still carrying.

"You're not going to stay?" the Champion said, turning with a disappointed frown. "My cookies are the best!"

"Oh, we've got a lot of stuff to do today," I apologized. "We just really, really, really have to go. Good job killing Toturi and all that. Good job conquering Rokugan and all. Bye."

"Hey, Thanks!" the Champion said. "Bye bye. Nice meeting you all."

"Uh, guys," Toku said. "There's a problem with the chicken."

"Later, Toku," Turi said. "Let's just leave the nice Champion to his baking, okay?"

"No, guys, like a *serious* problem!" Toku said.

"Toku! Later!" Turi snapped.

"It's not going to wait till later," Toku said.

"You guys having a problem with something?" the Moon's Champion asked curiously.

It is hard to describe the sound I heard next. I have never heard before, nor am I likely to ever hear again, the sound of a chicken in a small metal cage suddenly and instantly becoming a full grown man, thus causing said cage to explode in a sudden release of air and unraveling of metal.

But that's the sound I heard.

"Buk-gawk!" said Toturi the First and he crumpled to the ground with a lot of little chicken-wire marks pressed on his face.

"Guys!" Toku said in excitement. "The spell finally wore off!"

"Yeah, perfect timing, too," I grumbled.

"Dang," Lord Moon's Champion said, taking off his apron and drawing his katana. "Now my cookies are gonna burn."

"Okay, listen Mister Moon," Toku said. "Maybe there's been some sort of misunderstanding or something."

"Misunderstanding?" the Moon's Champion replied. His katana glinted ice blue. "Ah. Perhaps you're right. Perhaps you aren't the race or mortals that sprang from the blood of my shame, that stole the light of the Lady Sun's favor from me, that sheltered and worshipped my traitorous children, that overran my world, filling it with grotesque tributes to your own feeble arrogance. Maybe I was thinking of the Nezumi or something.

"Yeah," Hasame said. "I think you're thinking of the ratlings. Never trusted those little buggers."

Lord Moon's Champion ignored Hasame's comment, and just kept advancing toward us. A ghastly light emanated from his armor, revealing a variety of swords and tools of strange design hung all about the room. I guessed that the room was full of gaijin spoils from the Battle of White Stag. Toturi the First struggled feebly to his feet. He looked week and uncertain. Black feathers fluttered down off of his hair and clothing.

"Your Highness," I called out to him, "are you all right?"

"Wh-wh-where am I?" he asked. "Where have I be-be-be-buk-GAWK!" He held one hand over his mouth, bewildered.

"Hasame, Toku, Takao, get the Emperor out of here!" I said.

"Okey-day," Toku said. He threw one of Toturi's arms over his shoulder and the tall monk came forward to help. Hasame scampered out onto the balcony ahead of them.

It's times like these that bring a certain clarity to your life. You step outside of yourself and take a look. You wonder what you're doing in the Palace of Otosan Uchi, surrounded by ninjas, chased by the Shadow, wearing the stolen Ancestral Armor of the Crab, fighting the avatar of an omnipotent god. You wonder why you never got yourself a job in the local fish market like Uncle Taka always wanted you to do. You wonder why you hang out with a bunch of people that encourage you to get into stupid situations like this. I promised myself that if I lived through this, I'd try to stay out of trouble from now on. I'd go back to the Monkey Clan homeland and settle down with some nice peasant girl that would swear fealty to Toku and become a farmer or something. That would be nice, for a change.

"Get out of my way, please, Crab," Lord Moon's Champion said to me.

"I can't do that," I said.

"Oh, come on," the Moon's Champion whined. "You're just a mortal. I'm the Moon! I command the Shadow! How can you hope to beat the Shadow?"

"I'm not afraid of the Shadowlands," I said.

"No, no," the moon sighed, as if he'd gone over this many times before. "Not the Shadowlands. Just 'Shadow'. One word. That's it. Shadowlands are something entirely different. Not my territory at all."

"Oh," I said. "Well, you have to admit, the names are pretty similar. Not my fault I was confused. Maybe you should change the Shadow's name to something else. Like the Ninja Force or something like that."

"Hey, Ninja Force!" Hochiu said. "Yeah, that'd be a cool name!"

The Moon's Champion frowned. "I had the dang name first!" he shouted. "I'm not changing it! Fu Leng can change his! I've been around longer than Fu Leng!"

"Yeah," I said, "but nobody's ever heard of you. I mean, all you ever do is float around in the sky. Nobody ever expected you to be commanding an army of superhuman ninjas or anything."

The Moon scowled, quickly losing his temper. "That's the whole damn point!" he said. "A ninja invasion doesn't work if people know about it! So off I go, minding my own business for a thousand years, plotting the downfall of mankind, and in the meantime Fu Leng steals the name of my faceless horde! Just because he's too damn lazy to check around and see if any of the other well known forces of evil are using it already! Is that my fault? Is it? Besides, they're not the same name. They're just not. Mine's Shadow. His is Shadow *lands.* Is that so hard to figure out?"

"Well, they're pretty similar just the same," I said. "You should probably change it just to avoid confusion."

At that point, Lord Moon's Champion countered my argument by punching me square in the chest. I wasn't thinking of much of anything after that. I flew backwards twenty feet through a table covered with knickknacks and hit the wall with a crack. If I hadn't been wearing Yakamo's armor, it probably would have been more of a splat. I slid down the wall, my vision glazed, barely able to control my arms and legs. I felt like someone had quietly removed my skeleton and replaced it with gallons of raspberry jelly. The Moon's Champion laughed, and turned to the others. Takao, Hasame, and Toku had already escaped with the Emperor. Then the rear doors of the chamber burst open.

"Ha!" Matsu Turi shouted. "Shinjo's army has arrived!"

Lord Moon's Champion turned, an angry expression on his face as he tried to keep an eye our group and the door simultaneously. He pulled the steel mempo from around his chest and hooked it over his face, preparing for battle.

Only four men stood in the doorway, looking badly injured and very tired. A Dragon, a Scorpion, a Unicorn, and tall, white-haired ronin that I recognized.

"Oh, hi guys," Toshimoko said, waving. "Is this the way to the bathroom?"

"Four?" Lord Moon asked, incredulous. "Out of your entire army, only four survived to face me?"

"Well, we lost the group," the Dragon said, smiling sheepishly. "It's really dark out there and stuff."

"Hey, look!" the Scorpion shouted in surprise, his mask slipping down over his eyes. "The Moon killed Hida Unari!" He pointed at me.

"Huh?" the Unicorn looked around blankly. He had a large white handkerchief tied over his eyes. "What are you guys talking about? What's going on? Are we at the bathroom yet?" He groped the air in front of him for several moments until he bumped his head on the wall and sat down on the floor.

"Well, let's go, then," Lord Moon's Champion said with a sigh. "Who's first?" He sliced his katana through the air, making a ghastly whistle and leaving a trail of sparkling white motes as the blade cut through the fabric of reality itself.

"Um..." Toshimoko said. "Kolat alert."

"What?" said the Scorpion.

"I, er, I think I just saw Akodo Kage. You guys wait here, I'll go look for him." Toshimoko ducked out of the room. I could hear the sound of footsteps receding down the hallway, running very fast.

"You! Scorpion!" the Moon's Champion said, turning to the next warrior. "You think that you are masters of the darkness? I created the darkness! Face me if you are able! Face the Shadow!" The Moon's Champion roared, shaking the walls.

"Huh?" the Unicorn said, looking around quickly. "What was that noise? Somebody tell me what's going on?"

"The Shadowlands?" the Scorpion said, his eyes wide in fear. "I didn't know we'd be fighting onis! I signed on for ninjas! I'm out of here!" He turned around and darted back out of the room.

"Garou tried to tell you," Hochiu sighed. "It's the name. People are going to keep getting confused."

"Shut up," the Champion snarled, not looking at the Phoenix. He turned his eyes to the Dragon.

"Uh, Hisa, you really shouldn't be walking what with your wounds and whatnot," the Dragon said. "Let me give you a hand. Good luck Amadare!" He darted off, too, leaving the Unicorn sitting alone in the doorway.

"Guys?" he said, waving a hand out in front of him. "Taki? Hisa? Where is everybody?"

Lord Moon shook his head and sighed, turning around again just as Matsu Turi's sword came down at his face. "Yipe!" the Champion said, dodging aside just at the last moment. Turi's sword buried itself in the stone floor of the palace.

"Hey!" the Champion shouted. "You were gonna hit me when I wasn't looking! What kind of good guy are you?"

"The kind that intends to survive," Turi shrugged. He abandoned his buried sword and threw a punch at the Champion's face. The Champion seized Matsu Turi by the arm, lifted him into the air, swung him around three times, and threw him across the room. Matsu Turi crashed through a window and flew into the courtyard beyond.

"Pity," the Champion said. "He wasn't quite as stupid as the rest." He turned toward the remaining heroes, Tsuruchi and Hochiu. "All alone, little Phoenix," the Moon's Champion said. "What will you do now?"

"All alone?" Hochiu looked confused. "But Tsuruchi's with me!" He pointed at the Wasp.

"He's a ninja," the Champion said, nodding at the Wasp.

Hochiu laughed. "That's ridiculous!" he said. "Tsuruchi couldn't be a ninja! He's a trusted friend and ally and I just met him today and I don't even know him and what the holy hell Tsuruchi, is that true!?!??!?!"

"Um. Yeah." Tsuruchi said.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Hochiu shouted.

"Didn't think it would come up," Tsuruchi said with a shrug. "When you're a ninja, people judge you all the time. It sucks. It's hard to make friends when people know you spend half your time murdering people from the shadows. I was hoping you guys... I was hoping you would be different." His voice was choked up. He sounded like he was going to cry.

"You're a spawn of darkness!" Hochiu shouted. "You're a minion of an evil god! And when you join a group of heroes whose specific purpose is to destroy said evil god you don't think that the fact you *work* for him is going to create a conflict of interests? What the hell is wrong with you, Tsuruchi?"

"That's it," Tsuruchi said, his voice thick. "I don't have to take this kind of abuse. I'm going home." He turned around to leave.

"Hey, man," Hochiu said, glancing at the advancing Moon's Champion. "Hey, Tsuruchi, I'm sorry, man. Just let me borrow your crystal arrows for a minute."

"Bite me, Hochiu!" Tsuruchi spat back.

"Okay, fine, I'll do this on my own!" Hochiu said confidently. He drew his own katana and turned toward the Moon. "I've got the training. I've got the talent. I'm the new Master of Fire, for pete's sake! I'm the son of Isawa Tsuke! I'm a Phoenix!"

"Yes, and that's nice," said the Moon's Champion, "But I'm bigger."

He proceeded to pummel Isawa Hochiu into the ground.

The Moon's Champion lifted his sickle-katana high into the air, preparing to finish off the Phoenix. I crawled to my hands and knees with a groan, toppling a little glass jar on the table. It clattered across the floor, causing the Champion of the Moon to glance back in my direction.

"Eh?" he said. "The Crab, still alive?" He left Hochiu where he lay and stalked over to me. Reaching down, he tore the mempo from my face with one hand. He gasped. "Fuzake Garou!"

I stared up at him, confused. "You know me?" I said.

"You've caused a lot of terror and havoc in Rokugan," the Moon's Champion said. "That Naga-Dragon war was priceless. The Evil Club is very interested in recruiting you officially. After I get done with this whole conquest of Rokugan thing, let's do lunch or something, all right?"

I could see Hochiu crawling off toward the balcony and safety. I had to stall him for a few moments. "Evil Club?" I said. "What are you talking about?" "All the big forces of evil throughout the universe," the Champion said. "Me, Iuchiban, the Caliph, Yokatsu, Joel Schumacher, Britney Spears, a few others. We shoot the breeze about our plans for universal domination and make sure that we don't get in each other's way too much. If Fu Leng would attend a meeting every once in a while this whole stupid Shadow-Shadowlands name mix-up wouldn't have happened. Anyway, you interested?"

"Yeah, sure, I guess so," I said.

"Cool," he said, smiling. "We'll give you a call." He turned around again. "Dang. Phoenix got away. Oh, well, time to catch up with Toturi. Catch you later, Garou." He rose to his feet and strode out of the room purposefully. The shadows seemed to follow him.

I knew I had to do something to stop him. I didn't know a thing about Takao, but Hasame and Toku sure couldn't handle the Moon on their own. I had to find something. I rooted around in the pile of gaijin rubbish I'd landed in. I found a sabre, a pair of cuckoo clocks, an odd looking drinking vessel with the mysterious inscription "Super Big Gulp" and a little glass sphere with a smiling Senpet inside. I'd seen one before, so I expected snow to swirl around inside when I shook it. Instead nothing happened. I guess the Senpet had never seen snow before. Instead of trying to figure out why anyone would make such a thing, I just grabbed the clock and the sabre and headed for the balcony.

"So what was that all about?" the Unicorn said, still sitting forgotten in the doorway. "What happened?"

"You're still here, Amadare?" I said, turning around.

"Well where the heck would I be?" he retorted. "Those jerks went and abandoned me here. And they made me leave my seeing-eye-horse outside."

"Well, here, take this," I said. I crossed the room and handed him one of the clocks, setting it for ten o'clock. "If any ninjas show up, just stick it in their face. I'll come back for you later."

"What's this?" he asked.

"It's a clock," I said.

"What's a clock going to do to a ninja?" he asked.

"Er... it's complicated," I said. "And by complicated, I mean dumb. Just trust me, you're better of not knowing the details."

"Oh," he said, nodding. "Okay then. Thanks."

I tucked the sabre and remaining clock under my arm again and headed for the balcony, which I promptly fell off of.

Note to would-be adventurers: a concussion is nothing to take lightly. Wait till you're feeling a little better before you try climbing around on thousand-year-old crumbling edifices in full armor while trying to carry a sword and a clock. Recipe for disaster.

I landed much less dead than I expected to be. Opening my eyes with a start, I realized that I had landed on something soft.

"Ouch!" Sanzo snapped. "Dangit, Garou, get off me!"

"Sanzo!" I exclaimed. "Where did you come from?"

"Long story, now get up!"

"Garou!" shouted Matsu Turi, charging up next to us. His face was dirty and smeared with blood, but he was still alive. "Garou!" Turi shouted again into my face, dragging me to my feet with one hand. "Where's Toku and the Emperor?"

"I don't know," I said. "Turi, you're alive?"

"I'm fine," Turi said. "I landed on Sanzo too."

"Glad I could help out," Sanzo whined, still in pain on the ground.

"Damn, I feel so useless!" Turi snapped. "I wish there was some way we could find them, something we could do!"

"Yeah, I know," Sanzo said, standing up gingerly. "I'm feeling like I came all this way for nothing!"

"Buk-buk-buk-GAWK!" shouted a voice. Sanzo crumpled to the ground as Toturi the First suddenly landed on him.

"What the heck?" I said, looking up. "Where did he come from?"

"Up there," Turi pointed. "They're on the roof! Garou, come with me! Sanzo, stay here and keep an eye on the Emperor!" "Okay," Sanzo said, semi-conscious on the ground.

With Turi's help I was able to make it up the wall this time. We climbed as quickly as we could as the sounds of combat rang out above us. I could hear screams and shouts coming from all of the combatants. I hoped we'd get up there in time to do something useful. We climbed up onto the roof of the palace in time to see Lord Moon's Champion battling with the monk, Takao. Hasame lay limp on the ground, with Toku kneeling nearby. The Moon's Champion lunged at Takao in rage, but the monk leapt straight upward, over the Champion's charge. He turned and spun his bo in one hand, bringing it down on the Champion's skull. The Moon's Champion suddenly shattered into a thousand pieces, scattering like motes of moonlight.

"Wow!" Toku said. "Did you see that! Takao jumped over the moon!"

Turi cocked his head slightly. "What did you just say, Toku?"

"Takao jumped over the moon."

"Something wrong, Turi?" I asked.

"Never say that again, Toku," Turi said.

I pulled myself over the lip of the wall behind Turi, and found myself with a face full of Moon Champion fragments. I cursed loudly as they got in my eyes and tried vainly to wipe them away.

And when I could see again, I was standing on the highest tower of a castle, on top of a mountain. I bumped my head on the ceiling, then I realized that mountains didn't have ceilings. The moon itself hovered only a few feet from the highest tower of the castle, filling the sky all around. Hitomi was standing nearby, bleeding freely from a gash on her forehead. The obsidian that had been spreading from her hand now covered the entire right half of her body. A strange black shield and sword that matched her skin lay discarded on the ground, dropped in combat. A huge man in black armor stood a few feet away, glaring at us both angrily. It was Lord Moon, Onnotangu himself.

"Garou! Sweetie!" she said, smiling brightly and fidgeting with her armor. "I didn't know you were coming! You should have called!"

"I didn't know I was coming either," I said, looking around blankly. "How the blazes did I get here?"

"Bah, you must have returned along with the bit of my essence that I used to create my Champion," the large man said. "Well, Otosan Uchi, Kyuden Hitomi, you'll die just the same. He can't help you, Hitomi. You've failed. You may have collected Lord Moon's Bone, Lord Moon's Hand, Lord Moon's Blood, and Lord Moon's CD Collection but none of them can avail you against me. I am Onnotangu himself and your pitiful mortal skills can not hope to compare with my indomitable tech."

"Tech?" Hitomi said.

"Yes, my tech," Onnotangu said. "I am the god of the moon, and my tech is ultra. Ultra. Tight."

Hitomi slumped to her knees, looking defeated. "Togashi and Amaterasu," she whimpered. "What can I do? I expected him to be powerful, but I never expected him to be so... geeky. I can't concentrate."

"Hitomi, here, take this!" I shouted, throwing her the clock.

She caught it neatly and turned to Onnotangu again. "Look, Onnotangu!" she shouted. "Look upon your doom!"

Lord Moon rose an eyebrow and laughed. "What is this, that 'bedtime' garbage again? I'm the Moon, not some pathetic ninja! Why would I be afraid of that?" He leaned down and looked at the clock, a condescending smirk on his face.

Then Hitomi bashed him on the head with the clock. Lord Moon fell down. Hitomi picked her sword back up and chopped off his head. The moon faded from the sky.

"Thanks, Garou," she said with a bright smile. "How come you never call?"

"Um. Sorry, I was busy," I said. "What are we going to do now?"

"What do you mean?" she asked. "I guess we could keep dating. I'd like that."

"No, I mean about the moon," I said, pointing at the sky. "It's gone. What will we do now?"

"By the Thunders, you're right, Garou!" she said, a look of horror crossing her face. "Without the moon, the night is ever darker than before! The Shadow will be even more powerful! The Empire is doomed! I have to talk to Hoshi at once! Bye-bye, honey!" She ran off down the stairs.

Actually, I hadn't been thinking of anything like that. I was just wondering who was going to have to rewrite all the haiku that referred to the moon. And Sanzo liked to "moon" people. He'd have to start calling that something else know. He could always call it "Sanzo-ing" people. It would make just as much sense would be oddly appropriate. But that's irrelevant. We'd killed the moon and there was bound to be all sorts of consequences. I hoped we'd made the right decision.

I stayed at Kyuden Hitomi for a few more days, hoping to get a chance to talk to Hitomi. Unfortunately, she was really busy what with trying to find a way to stave off armageddon and all. I decided to head back to Otosan Uchi and see what the guys were up to. A great camp had been erected outside the city by Toturi's Army. Though the ninjas had fled the area, the capitol was deemed "too creepy" to return to until it had been thoroughly scouted.

"Hey, Garou!" called a voice. "Welcome back! We thought you were dead!"

I turned around to see Shiba Hochiu limping toward me. He had a big bandage over one side of his head, but seemed otherwise happy. "Hey, how's it going?" I asked.

"Not bad," he said. "Just got back from the big ceremony Toturi's having for the heroes of the War in the Heavens."

"War in the Heavens?" I said. "Is that what they're calling the whole Lord Moon deal?"

"Yeah, it's got a nice ring to it," Hochiu said. "Toturi's idea. Well, actually, his idea was to call it 'War of the Buk-buk-buk-gawk Heavens' but we cut it down a little."

"Who's being honored?" I asked, curious.

"Well, Takao, of course," he said. "Moto Amadare, for somehow driving the ninja away from the heart of the palace itself. Shiba Tetsu-"

"Tetsu?" I asked, incredulous.

"Yeah, for delivering the crystal to Shinjo's Army," Hochiu said. "He's a hero now. It's a new feeling for him, I imagine. Oh, and your friend Sanzo was honored."

"Sanzo?" I asked. "For what?"

"Saving Toturi's life," Hochiu said. "He's been given the title 'Imperial Breakfall.' Toturi told him that he could ask for any one request, and it would be granted."

"Oh, ye silvery gods," I said, covering my face. "What did Sanzo ask for?"

Just then a beautiful young Crane girl with a slight limp walked up to us. "Excuse me," she said, "But are you Fuzake Garou? Imperial Clock Keeper?"

"Um, yeah," I said. "That's me, how can I help you?"

"My name's Doji Shizue," she said with a grin. "I wanted to talk to you about being Mister Sanzo's sidekick on the new Sanzo Show."

I looked at Hochiu, then back at Shizue. "The Sanzo Show?" I asked.

"I'll take that as a yes," she said pertly. "Mister Sanzo will be expecting you at the studio by three." She took out an ink-brush, ticked something off on a small scroll, turned, and sauntered off again.

"The Sanzo Show," I repeated. I felt like my life had become a whole lot more complicated.

Again.